Video Game Review: GTA Online #2

In fairness, it's not really a review is it? It's me mucking around in game and with snapmatic. So anyway, loaded up the game and was immediately kicked from the server after leaving my garage.

BEHOLD! MY GARAGE!

It can store about three cars, has an internet connection and acts as my spawning point whenever I log into GTA Online. It's not like some of the fancier ones you can drive firetrucks into and save ten cars.

But it's my garage. It may only cost $50 a day to maintain and $24,000 to buy. But it's mine, goddamn it.

So anyway, after I entered into another session I left my garage to find a man in a hockey mask just standing outside. He took a couple of swings at me, several of them connected, but then I got my crowbar out.

I still have no idea how my character got a crowbar, but I think it was from some character in a deathmatch and the game didn't properly take it away from my character after the match ended. In any case, it's good.

I walked away to look for a gun store. I had 14k, so I purchased a new suppressor for my pistol to go with the flashlight attachment. 

I still need the extended magazine though.

After that, I left to find the Jason Voorhees impersonator standing outside and riddled me with uzi bullets. I was down to a scrap of health and then just popped him in the head.

I wish you could have seen it. Just one shot and he went down like a sack of spuds. His head bounced on a potted plant as well. So bonus points for that I guess. He then continued to follow me. I hid behind a wall and just leaned out, firing five shots into his torso and he was down again.

After that it was time to ride out to raid shops.

Being a little bit "eccentric", I had mapped out the best cluster of shops to rob from on the map you get with the game. I got the first one with no trouble. Then I ran out into a hail of bullets after I shot the cashier in the second shop and emptied the till myself. 

I was riding to the third shop with the slightest sliver of health. I sprinted in, got shot in the back and headbutted the shopkeeper in the face as I went down. 

You know in my book, that counts. That's three stores robbed all with one four star rating on my head.

So I had some money and then some American decides to shoot me in the head.

Naturally, I walked headlong into his car, shot him in the head with a combat shotgun, endured the rolling vehicle knocking me over, stole his Aston Martin and sold it for 8k. Then I got kicked for griefing. Worth it.

Here's some pictures from the desert store robbing sesh.

Sorry if they're shaky. I was, you know, being shot at during the shots. So it's expected really.

After I pawned the car and entered another session, I went and got myself a makeover with the extra dollar.

No virtual Charlie, I'm not convinced it was better than your previous outfit either.

Then I stole a car and hit it into a wall so fast that the door broke off and got lodged in the concrete.

I then climbed on the wall and got flipped off by the heavily spasming glitched door and into a cluster of garbage cans.

So I had to walk.

Awww yeahhhh. Bought an Uzi, flashlight, bullets for shotguns, uzi's and pistols.

Then I got involved in a high speed chase and got knocked between two pillars and shot to bits. In fairness, could anyone get out of this?

Finally, I found out about a hilarious and broken mechanic.

I jumped into a civilian and he tried to fight me. He punched me in the face and a nearby security guard drew his gun and shot him full of holes.

I then went around jumping into strangers, randomly starting fights and then leading them to the security guard, who would riddle them with lead and I could take their money. Genius.

My piece de la resistance was at a little security check in.

I jumped into a worker, he punched me, he got shot to death.

See those ambulance men? I started jumping into them and they tried to fight me. Then the security guard shot and killed the ambulance crew who had arrived to take away the person he'd just shot and killed. And I'm just jumping around having the time of my life. 

The best part was that he only had to kill one of them. A driver sped up and completely flattened the other paramedic when he heard gunshots.

It was fantastic.

Another day in GTA. I love this game.

Video Game Review: GTA Online

Yesterday, seventy four people tuned into to read my thoughts about Pokemon Y and shoved my readership numbers into roughly, approximately, about three hundred and twenty-five exactly, precisely, right at the time of writing this.

Potentially you only clicked on this because you had nothing else to do and wondered why a grown man would play a children's game, read a few words and then clicked off of the article completely bored.

That's okay. I'm just glad I got to be a part of your evening. Whether you're on a laptop, a personal computer or even wi-fi adapted tablet, I hope you're having a wonderful night.

And according to my statsheets, several of you are reading this from iPhones. That takes dedication, fans.

Tonight I'm going to be talking about Grand Theft Auto 5: Online. That was until I read about the horrible effects that videogames are having on teenagers, bending and breaking their vulnerable mind like half-frozen playdough.

So I wanted to make this a special report about how videogames do not cause teenagers, or young adults such as myself, to go on violent killing sprees.


Coming at you loud and live from Abattoir Avenue, this is me and my ride for tonight. She's a beaut. See those wheels? Yeah. Custom rims. Check it.

Let's hit the road.

That wonderful 1920 x 1080 High-Definition road.

Anyway, let's go to the Grand Senora Desert so I can convince you just how little impact videogame violence has on impressionable people like myself.

See that man I ran over? I mean, LOOK AT THOSE GRAPHICS. You would see blood effects like those on REAL cars. So why would I need to go around running people over when the graphical improvements of GTA Online showcase the real-life effects of running people over?

See what I'm getting at?

I don't need to kill anyone because the killing is so detailed. The only real thing missing is remorse, so I just poked myself in the eyes several times in order to illicit human tears.

It's hard to get this through to you properly though. If only you could see the way the car responds to environmental damage like walls, other cars, post boxes or-

So the cyclist tried to get up so I shot him in the face repeatedly. 

BUT LOOK AT MY BROKEN HEADLIGHT. LOOK AT IT.

Why would I ever need to knock a cyclist twenty meters off his bike when I can just turn on my PS3 and see it happening for myself with realistic damage to the cyclist. He even sat up and cried whilst I pointed my gun (with flashlight, obv.) at him and mentioned something about having a family. Didn't really listen though. LOL!

Anyway, I left the desert and headed for the motorway, but a man screaming in a foreign language and driving a car in the colours of the Brazilian national flag rammed me into the wall. I got out to pop the fool and then a helicopter came out of nowhere and shot a missile at me. It flew straight over my head but hit an oncoming freighter carrying a large tanker of oil. It immediately blew up and shot towards me as I sprinted away, pistol still in hand. I wasn't fast enough, of course, and got smeared across the pavement in seconds.

I didn't manage to record it because GTA has no way to record, but here's a real-time picture for you.

My character respawned nearby and began to look really sad. Like it was upset or something. I didn't feel anything though. Bit odd.

I wonder what it was thinking?

I'll get it a new car and maybe we'll do another chapter of this tomorrow.

Video Game Review: Pokemon Y

Because I've got over two hundred views on this blog, nothing to praise and yet nothing to put-down, I'm writing my review of Pokemon Y early. Even though it is a Sunday. There will still be a review on Tuesday. A review of either Far Cry 3, Animal Crossing: New Leaf or a review of the growing mould above my bed.

Gripping stuff.

I'd like to take the time to thank you for reading my reviews. The few of you who've purposely clicked on the links I've shared and take the time to read these things have my utmost respect.
The rest of you I'll just assume visit this blog due to spilling hot beverages on your keyboard and mashing keys whilst wiping it down with a towel, you found this by sheer accident, you're some sort of automated blog-counter bot or you found this in some sort of hunt for niche porn involving insomniacs from Great Britain. In which case, click off this right now and keep on trucking, you crazy diamond in the rough.

So Pokemon should really need no explanation. You hunt Pokemon, over 700 now and can battle and trade them with your friends.
One of the main things I like about this game is that it feels very Pokemon-y.
There's no other way to say it. It just, I don't know man, it just FEELS like Pokemon. Earlier games like Pearl and Diamond had features that turned it into altogether different beasts. I spent hours playing the underground mining game but when someone tapped me on the shoulder to ask what I was playing, it honestly took me a second to remember.

There are a few things you should know about Pokemon X and Y right out of the gate.

The sprites are 3d now. All of them. Meaning that Pokemon battles look and feel responsive, as does catching new Pokemon.
I found myself putting my 3DS down and arching my hand through the air as my character threw a ball and it felt good. 
I had my misgivings about it, feeling that it might cheapen the experience a bit, given the graphical processing power of the DS to make ANYTHING in 3 dimensions that doesn't look like a complete mess such as Sims: Pets, Over The Hedge and Final Fantasy 3. (FF3 was still pretty good though.)

You can also move the 3d sprite of the Pokemon around on the Pokedex and examine it. This seems like a small feature to add, but I am both petty and easily amused.

The 3D is confusing. There wil be times when you're using the stereoscopic slider, convinced that the 3d isn't working, but then you'll find points where it really is working.

In addition, the game is much bigger in terms of endgame and you'll find that your Pokemon are working their way towards the more serious end of Level 40 after the third gym. The elite four, the people you face at the end, will most likely have high level Pokemon, especially considering the elite four in Pokemon Pearl only started at a piddling Level 40 and went up to 55. This'll probably be good ol' fashioned 55 to 70.

I do not know yet, for I have not completed the game. Getting close though.

You can also take pictures with Phil the Photo Guy and move the camera around some designated spots to take pictures of your character, which you can fully customise from hair colour to bag, to hat button, to hat colour, to jacket, to trousers and probably some more options I haven't found yet.

Here's me riding a Lapras

You can also zoom the camera in and out and change the brightness of it. I could have made the subject focus that island in the background instead of me, if I had wished to.

Have a few more for reading this far.

It's an addictive game, with plenty of Pokemon available and the option to transfer your Pokemon from Black or White if you have the cartridges. the whole GTS (Global Trade Station) has been revamped and is no longer and in-game building, but an option from the menu. You can use Wonder Trade and trade a Pokemon for a Pokemon from a random trainer. You have no control over what you receive, so it really is a lucky dip. You may find loads of terrible Level 1 Zigzagoons or awful Bidoofs or you may get Haunters and Machokes, which will pleasingly evolve as soon as you receive them.

You can also trade and battle with friends on your friend lists or strangers over the internet. Periodically, Nintendo will give out free Pokemon through Mystery Gift and seem more readied to give out lots of Pokemon in comparison to Pokemon Black/White.

In the lower touchscreen, you can play minigames. You can use Pokemon Amie to groom and feed your Pokemon, making it like you more, then press the touchscreen to see who's currently online, then press it again to train your Pokemon using punching bags, which you will receive at random intervals and raise Pokemon stats.

I'd recommend this game to any Pokemon fans. It's a touch to the past games, and yet a nod to the future of them.

Video Game Review: Batman: Arkham City

Arkham City is a videogame developed by Rocksteady Studio and produced by Warner Brothers in late 2011. Batman is probably WB's most popular videogame IP right now, next to its Lego games. However, unless you're ten then you might not care about those. That said, Lego City Undercover was ok.

Anyway, Arkham City is set after Arkham Asylum and Arkham Origins, out later this year, is set before both. Confused? Good.

Unlike Arkham Asylum, the game is largely open world with mission hubs available to go to at your own leisure in order to continue the story. But that's about where the serious innovation ends. It's still stealth-infused with combat mechanics more addictive than codeine. The idea is that you build up combos and hit harder and harder. The combo ends if you get hit.Most of the time you'll be outnumbered so that button mashing simply isn't a viable option. You need to time your attacks and parry/return enemy attacks.
It feels like proper fighting. Not Michael J. Fox getting lost in a Michael Jackson "Thriller" video like in many other games.

It's also got a bunch of collectibles. But not awful collectibles which improve your attack strength or give you an advantage over enemies, potentially breaking the game. They unlock concept art and full scale models of enemies and characters in the game which you can look at in the trophy room and pan around 360 degrees.

Another thing about Arkham City is the fact that you can steam music from your PS3 WHILST playing the game. This is the only game I know which allows you to do that. And it will stop when a cutscene triggers, joyfully.
I find it makes combat much more intense. Or maybe that's just my music taste.

The game is also very well designed. There's no one bad guy, even thought the Joker and Hugo Strange are the "big bads", there's a bunch of other villains around. The entire city is basically a big prison block in which the villains can just go around doing villainous things and the city is divided to show that. There's a big icy section around Mr Freeze's building, Jungle vines around Poison Ivy's area, Clown stuff around Jokers section and Penguin is in a casino. All boss fights are engaging and aren't your run-of-the-mill "He's got a massive healthbar, hit him repeatedly until he doesn't" kind of bosses.

There's also cameos from a bunch of other characters including Calender Man, Killer Croc, Bane (Not Tom Hardy. Proper mutant-y Bane.) and Azrael. And that's just off the top of my head.

You can also play as Robin and Catwoman. Both have their own different talents, but they're not quite Batman and tend to get beaten to death an awful lot during their respective sections. Oh and Nightwing. Haven't played as him. Can't comment.

The story is pretty fun, there's lots of different sections and a lot for Batman fans, both old and new.
You can also get experience points and upgrade your equipment when you level up. Because every game that is an open world sandbox also needs RPG mechanics. Clearly.

There are also gadgets, similar to the ones in Arkham Asylum, which you receive at various points throughout the game. Some are returning ones with new uses and some are brand new.

So yeah, it's a pretty fun game.

Sorry it's from, like, 2011. But you can't have everything. I can't review new things every week. A man needs to eat.

Retro(ish) Video Game Review: Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning

In a world in which Call Of Duty and Battlefield are king, the world isn't kind to elves, ogres and magic.
Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning is a game developer by 38 Studios and published by both 38 Studios and EA. It hit stores in February 2012, but for some reason nobody seems to have played it.

It was met with a positive reception, but not a financially giant reception. Because of this, the entire company went under, including R.A. Salvatore, who wrote most of the games script and lore. The games site now features rules for Blackjack, Poker and Slot Machines, possibly having been bought out by a spam site since none of the three feature in the game.
The games art was designed by Todd McFarlane, the man who first drew Venom. If you look him up, you'll find that he's pretty much a big deal to any American kid who spent most of their teenage years hooked to a flag from their underwear or getting pushed into lockers.

I bought the game new, complete with an added bonus. This wasn't a season pass. Just an extra tidbit for purchasing the game new instead of second-hand or during later waves and iterations.

That extra tidbit was around two and a half hours of extra content. The game itself is massive, and you will not complete it within a week unless you rush the entire thing and skip half the optional content, which is plentiful.

It's basically set in a Lord Of The Rings style universe. I'm not gonna bullshit you, this game wears its mantle of MAGIC/SPELLS/POTIONS/MONSTERS without the slightest bit of shame. And that's great. It asks you to come on in, kick off your shoes and take a staff. Or a sword. Or daggers. During the tutorial section of the game, you are literally presented with rogue weapons/mage weapons and warrior weapons and the game flat out goes "Well, which one do you like? Do that then."

You can play as the Almain (Civilised Humans), The Dokkalfar (Dark n' Edgy Stabby McRoguey Elves.), The Ljosalfar (Elves but in blue instead of pale green) and The Varani (Nomadic Humans.) What's the difference between Almain and Varani? Slightly differing options for facial stubble, and the Varani look like potatoheads whilst the Almain look fairly normal.

The game starts with you being killed on a battlefield, being pushed along on a gurney, dropped down a hole and then waking up on a pile of corpses in a bunch of pre-animated cutscenes. There are quite a few in the game, which impresses me, given the number of character options.

Your character then discovers he is the "fateless" one and goes about to go and kill the big bad guy who runs an evil cult of winter elves called the Tuatha Deohn which dress in red. Unlike the good elves that dress in blue and are called Fae. This big bad man is a crazy elf guy called Gadflow who has somehow become political leader despite one of his policies being "lets totally resurrect a dragon that's destined to be responsible for an oncoming Armageddon."
Crazy, but still doing more than our current government.
Yes, we like to get political in this blog.


It's very contrived, it's very "Muargali is my second cousin and stole my best Murglegugle lamp, from the relatives of the late Huah tribe. Please help me, my name is Yuhergha" There's literally enough text in the game to span the length of fourty Tolkien-ish novels.

But this is why I give this a free pass.

I should probably explain. Since Reckoning is an action-adventure RPG, there's something called reckoning mode. After your character has built up enough "fate points" from various kills they can enter Reckoning mode. Reckoning mode slows the combat down to reaaallllly slow for the enemies whilst you remain at full speed, enabling you to go on a murder spree. Whilst you're doing that, your full bar will deplete. If it runs out, Reckoning mode ends. Or you can fateshift an enemy.

When you fateshift an enemy, you perform a brutal execution move on the target with a random weapon you've shifted out of the air whilst mashing a button to build up more power behind it. It's the first quick time event that I've ever looked forward to in a game. Because it ends with smashing a hammer down on an enemy, throwing a ten meter lance through their face, chopping them to bits, stabbing them through, stabbing them in the chest and kicking them fourty meters over a cliff edge.

This was the selling point for me. It was a marriage of God Of War and The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion. And for some reason, some horrible and unknown reason, it worked.

It's a fun game and whilst there are serious balance issues in the later parts of the game, in which it's almost impossible to die even on hardest difficulty, the game has visuals that stuck with me.

It's also got crafting, player housing, bosses and you can hit a gnome through the window of a cathedral in the middle of the desert with a sledgehammer.
If that doesn't sell you, nothing else will.

Video Game Review: Steamworld DIG

Apologies for the lack of updates. This review was supposed to be up on Friday, but I simply didn't find the time to write it. There's still going to be one on Tuesday.

Steamworld DIG is a mining game for the Nintendo 3DS. In the game, you play as Rusty in a search to find your Uncle Joe.

(Spoiler: You find him in five minutes.)
(Spoiler: He's dead.)

So you need to go ahead and find whatever Joe was looking for.

The game takes after many similar upgrade-oriented platformers on Armor Games/NotDoppler in that you basically have to dig, uncover ore, mine it, buy upgrades to mine faster/further down/do more damage to enemies. However, this one has some very charming twists.
First and foremost., I managed to get seven hours of play out of this game, which is great value given that I paid £7.99 for it.
Secondly, you unlock upgrades as you progress through the game. As you sell ore, you gain exp, gain levels and gain the options to buy more. You can also find orbs if you revisit earlier sections, in hard to find bits. These are needed to buy the more upper-tier upgrades in the game.

There are also dungeons, which pit you against a variety of foes and challenges, and reward you with an extra bit of kit or upgrade at the end of it all.

Obstacles like large stone traps and dynamite make it better to be strategic in your digging rather than screaming an internal "YOLO" and hammering away at the earth. I like that.


It's by no means going to break any world records, but it is a very neat little game with a pretty fun story.
It's addictive, fun, has a variety of enemies, different settings based on how far down you go (The Dark Mine,The Old World, Vectron.) and is one of the most value-for-money games that you can get for your Animal Crossing Device.
It even has an end-game boss. And that's more than most games have. (I'm looking at you, Bioshock Infinite, and your horde of enemies instead of a final boss.)

Check it out: http://steamworldgames.com/dig/

Video Game Review: Grand Theft Auto Five (No/Trivial Spoilers)

The Grand Theft Auto series is a series that just about everyone has encountered at some point. Whether it be the top-down classic "You're Brown Bread!" for the PC, San Andreas or Vice City during your formative teenage years in which it was cool to have an adult game to play at a young age or Grand Theft Auto 4, a game released in 2008 set in a New York-esque setting. This was a game in which the almighty dollar is king, in a world of financial instability and sudden recession.
It's five years later, and Grand Theft Auto 5 is out. So is it an incursion upon the rest of the series? Or is this game familiar old territory?
Straight off the bat, this is no longer a game that's solely focused on one protagonist and has three playable characters available: Franklin, Michael and Trevor.  At the beginning of the game, you play as Franklin Clinton, a young male who just wants out after seeing what gang violence, poverty and criminal drug cartels does to all those he grew up with. Lamar wishes to be a street hustler, Tonya and JB are on drugs and Tanisha has left him to go and be with a hot-shot lawyer.
He eventually "connects" with Michael, and his lifestyle appeals greatly to the jaded Franklin. However, everything isn't all too peachy when Trevor, a friend of Michael's who ran heist operations many years ago, finds out that Mike was alive after faking his own death.

The characters are very fun, and very lively. Trevor, despite the fact that he runs a meth op and is indeed a psychopath, is a very endearing and likable character with intelligence and an odd sense of honour, after almost killing a television presenter for making fun of Mike's rebellious teenage daughter, recounting when he said he'd look after her at the age of two and Franklin and Michael seem to have a genuine connection. One's morally bankrupt with lots of money, the other thinks they're lucky.

Ultimately, the game focuses on a wider spectrum of topics and it seems that the running theme here is moral bankruptcy. Los Santos (Los Angeles, basically.) is full of phony lawyers, cheating spouses caught with expensive personal trainers, workaholics who check in and out every day and suffer from chronic stress, CEO's who murder hookers and snort blow, electoral candidates who hate the population, fitness freaks who try to murder themselves in the search for the perfect body...

If you imagine America, with every single hot agenda blow indirectly out of proportion, that's pretty much what you're getting in Grand Theft Auto 5.

The dialogue is surprisingly sharp, with characters often spouting one or two liners that sound like dialogue. Actual, genuine, conversation. Instead of awful stock phrases. Yeah, I'm looking at you, last weeks review.

The game is also very varied. Rainy/scorching deserts, snow, sleet, rolling fog, clear blue skies, overcast evenings, deep sunsets, slums, upper class areas, middle class areas, lower class areas.

Picture time.

HOWEVER,

Yeah, that's right, there are problems with this game. Let's go. Right now, faults it has.

And I should just note that I do it because I love you, video game. I am a harsh parent because I only want you to be better than all the other little children.

Occasionally, the mission failure screen is silly and unprovoked.

I'm landing my bi-plane and make a great landing but prod a lamp post with my left wing. It doesn't even fall over.

MISSION FAILED: THE PLANE WAS BADLY DAMAGED.

I'm riding my car away and it gets stuck on something or turns over.

MISSION FAILED: THE VEHICLE WAS DESTROYED.

I'm making a cup of tea.

MISSION FAILED: NOT ENOUGH SUGAR IN IT CHARLIE, YOU BITCH.

It's as if the game enjoys making me replay sections. I do enjoy replaying them. For a while. Then I'm doing the mission and mouthing the characters lines like some sort of psychic because I know them all for that bloody section.
It does give you the option to skip a section if you fuck up too many times, but if you press that then you do not deserve to have the game.

Ok, that's a little harsh perhaps.

You should have died at birth.

There, there we go.

Whilst we're on the subject of planes, even though we're not, what the actual hell.
It's easier to fly a plane in real life than in Grand Theft Auto 5. I've never flown a plane in my life, but I've done a lot of things and controlling a plane affected by the wind and how close it is to other physical things is almost impossible.

I also think hunting should be a bit more useful. I killed 50 animals and got 600 dollars. Then I get mauled by a mountain lion and lose 2600 dollars.
Do you know how that makes me feel, Grand Theft Auto 5?
Make it so that beast attacks halve your bonus or, more simply, just give you the option to retry like a mission rather than have your wallet stabbed repeatedly because you enjoy shooting elk.
And give me the option to customise my license plate IN GAME. Because this is the only time in my life I have ever remotely wanted an iPhone.

Should probably mention that.

You can download an app which lets you do stuff that gives you bonuses in GTA or respray your car/customize it. Only for Apple iPhones. No android currently available. Rockstar apparently working on one. Back to the review.

All in all, it's a great game. It's got RPG features such as character building, (Doing anything makes you better at that thing. Running improves running skill. Flying improves flying skill etc.) hairstyles, tats, clothes, the ability to buy apartments, the ability to buy shops which offer income + goods and services. It's got solid shooter action, with good animations and it's also one of the best open world games currently on the market.

Also, the draw distance is great. There will be some pop-in textures, but it honestly surprised me by how far away things could render.

Um, cheers. That's all for this this episode. 50% Friday will be GTA: Online if anyone can actually get online. If not it'll be FarCry 3. Next Tuesday will either be Kingdoms Of Amalur: Reckoning or Steamworld DIG for the Nintendo 3DS.

I'll let Trevor play you out.

Uh-huh.