Video Game Review: Goat Simulator.

If video games were knights in shining armour, Goat Simulator would be the knight that covered his armor in vinyl Swastikas, defecated in his chain mail and spoke in complete gibberish. To understand the ways and nuances of Goat Simulator is to go completely mad. To praise Goat Simulator is to give up freelance video game blogging entirely.

But maybe I should start at the beginning.

Goat Simulator is a game by Coffee Stain studios, an independent company that created the game solely due to a clamoring fan demand.
Once they added a goat tower, popularised by 4chan's random board that is inhabited by sixteen year old stoners, they just had to produce the game in full.

So the game was released on April 1st and it was a glitchy, bug-riddled mess. The developers then listed all 

bugs which didn't outright crash the game as "features" and even as I'm typing this, Patch 1.1 is being developed and  will include a new playable map featuring a ferris wheel that can be overloaded using car batteries, new achievements, better optimization, additional playable goat characters and local splitscreen multiplayer.

Heh. Lazy me.

The question of "Is it fun, though?" must be answered with a tired yes. It is fun. I know this because I had fun. But once you've had fun, you're done. There's only so many times you can lick a pedestrian with your sticky goat tongue and pull him in front of a speeding car. And push people off buildings. And headbutt explosives.

If this was a serious game, the "points" you rack up throughout your session could be spent on upgrades or cosmetics. But they have literally no use and the numbers just keep on rising infinitely.

For some gamers, it may evoke the spirit of Burnout: Paradise or Thrasher: Skate and Destroy, but unfortunately, Goat Simulator just doesn't have the soul.

It's a good game, has DLC and you should definitely pirate it instead of spending ten pounds on it. The maker of the game actively encourages you to get it from The Pirate Bay.

Because saying Goat Simulator is worth ten pounds with a straight face is like this woman saying to me "You are the father." With a straight face.

Yeah. Didn't think so.