Video Game Review: Gothic 4: Arcania.

Oh, Gothic. You poor and misunderstood creature.

So poor that literally nobody outside of Poundland shoppers who happened to have some spare time in September know about you.

Yes. This an RPG for the Xbox 360 that I picked up from Poundland.

But goddamn, it was the best one hundred English pennies that I have ever spent.

First of all, the storyline is balls-to-the-wall accidental hilarity from the user manual containing a pointless two-page story of a bored barmaid to the actual broken glitchy gameplay.

After the main character (who I don't even think HAD a name) is introduced, you go on a series of pointless quests to kill Molerats, an enemy stolen, name and semi-model, from an entirely different game. Then you do quests by running to different objective (or rolling, because it is disturbingly faster.)

After that, you go into a cave and a magical woman tells you that you are the chosen one because you are "particularly good at killing things and can gain stats unlike other people in the world."

I'm not joking, that was genuine dialogue from the game.

Then I talked to someone and my character smiled, but the smile froze and was stuck on the character's face for the rest of the game.

After that, the island burns down.

The island, in the middle of the ocean, burns down.

Then my character washes up on some sort of beach, his pregnant wife, family and friends all dead.

The voice actor screams whilst my character's head pops up onto the screen, still with the "dialogue smile" stuck on his face and his mouth unmoving.

I laughed for five straight minutes until I couldn't see past the tears in my eyes.

From then on, the story necessitates that you enter into this fort, but climb the mountain to get something for the man guarding the fort, otherwise he won't let you in.

After half-climbing the mountain, I jumped over the games invisible wall on a high up hillock and somehow accessed the games SUPER SECRET SNOWBOARDING LEVEL.

Basically, the character stood still and somehow slid across the map until I managed to direct him to a cliff face where he fell into the aforementioned fort I was supposed to breaking into.

Since the door was barred, I was wondering how to get back, I talked to the guardsman at the gates who yelled "YOU'RE NOT COMING IN." over and over, despite the fact that I was, very clearly, in.

Then I just walked into the door until my character's arm got stuck, spasmed and caused him to shoot across the map and die.

I did this multiple times, also landing in the river.

If you land in water in Arcania 4, this happens.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLH9ZFKQvlg

It's just too funny.

10/10 game. I would recommend to everyone of all ages, forever.

Not even sure if I'm joking at this point.

Oh and the graphics are clearly better than Destiny's, so there's that.