Video Game News: Nobody Knows What's Happening, Nobody Has Basic Reading Comprehension Anyway.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-24834842

So according to the BBC, CoD: Ghosts suffers from dips in frame-rate. That's the title.

The subheading is "Reviews of the latest Call of Duty video game have reported problems with the graphics on the PlayStation 4 edition of the title."


Two different problems. But there's no distinction. Framerate drops happen when there's a bit too much going on on your screen. Michael-Bayish explosions, enemy swarms, grenade blasts, whatever.

Because it's a lot for the machine to process at one time, the game may lag a bit. When this happens, you'll get a kind of visual stutter

Then the article mentions the resolution difference between the PS4, Wii U and Xbox One.

These are three different things, in three different paragraphs. They're related, but distinctly different.

But it's ok everyone, Mark Rubin says that it's of the utmost importance that CoD runs at 60 frames instead of 30.

Uh....

Um....

No.

Nope.

Fucking NO.

The difference between 15fps and 30fps is massive.

The difference between 30fps and 60fps is negligible, if it exists at all.

It's just like the rules of polygons. After a while, you're getting diminished returns.

Here's an image to help. Along with a graphical comparison.

Imagine Rubin is saying that they want CoD to have 60,000 triangles instead of 6,000 triangles. 

It sounds good on paper. It sounds promising. But yet the textures look like burn ward regulars.

So there's no substance behind what you're saying.

Your game is running at 30fps with severe drops.

You just heard everyone talking about 60fps and hoped that if you said that, people would believe that the game is better despite the fact that it's stuttering.

That's like me saying I'm the healthiest I've been in years whilst sawing my own legs off.

You can embargo the reviews all you want. And it's definitely useful that you've made things so convoluted that you can hide behind false claims.

But the truth'll come out.

Do Not Try To Console Me, Gaming Industry.

So I don't know if you've been paying attention in the last week, but Sony finally did an ultra-mega Q and A about the PS4.

Here it is. It's not going to be the greatest novel of our time but it sure does shed some light on a few things that people have been needlessly arguing over specs and other trivialities.

http://blog.us.playstation.com/2013/10/30/ps4-the-ultimate-faq-north-america/#sect1

So you can pick up your good old Pee-Es Quatro in late November or next week if you're a Yankee-doodle.

I bet you can't wait to get it home and load it up. The menu looks great, it really does! Let's see if I can put a theme on it to make it look cooler.

"Sorry buddy, no dynamic themes on the PS4." - Sony

Well that's ok. I don't mind. Hey, my friends are coming over! I'll put on that new CD I just got! I'm so glad I can rely on the PS4 since my laptop crashes constantly and my MP3 player is somewhere in the bedroom but I can't be bothered to find it.

"Bad luck pal, audio CD's won't work on the PS4. So you can't burn the discs onto the machine and listen to them whilst you play."

Sounds a bit strange. Oh well, I'm sure I can have fun online.

"Paid online." - Sony.

Well, you've got servers to run. I can't expect you to be a charity can I? Hey, why won't Elder Scrolls Online work?

"Paid subscription." - Sony.

I don't get why I have to pay three times in order to play a game but I guess I can enjoy talking to my friends whilst p-

"No headset currently available at launch apart from the one you get in the box which is traditionally awful." - Sony.

"I might pick up WatchDogs or DriveClub tom-"

"Delayed until mid-2014." - Sony.

Any other games I can pick up at launch?

"Two triple A games which you got with the packaged set, several indie titles that have been available for a while and a couple of games for the PS3 and 360." - Sony

Well, these graphics look great. I can really tell that's it's ten times more powerful that a PS3. Hey, why aren't my PS3 games working?

"The PS4 is not backwards compatible with PS3, PS2 or PSOne games." - Sony.

You said it was at E3.

"We meant that you can pay to have your games transferred over from the PS3." - Sony.

Oh. You didn't make that clear. At all. Then why won't the discs work?

"It's too complicated. You can't possibly understand it. It's all... er....to do with the system architecture.Yes that's it." - Sony.

They're both Blu-Ray discs that can burn information onto the console, I don't understand.

"Look, it's hard for us as well. It's not as if we're trying to shill you for more money." - Sony.

How much will it cost?

"10 dollars and only works with some of the games." - Sony.

I just paid sixty bucks for Ghosts/BF4/Ass Creed: Black Flag. I don't get why I have to pay you ten dollars.

"All of the money goes into making innovative games that you couldn't get on the PS4." - Sony.

I'm pretty sure I could play Flower on a PS3.

"Are you a game developer?" - Sony.

No. Sorry.

"It's ok. I'll forgive you this time. I'm very forgiving, you know." - Sony.

I don't understand why you have to make me feel bad though. Why can't you explain everything simply? If I'm getting confused, how do you think lots of your other customers are going to feel? Do we just throw our hands up and proclaim that game design is witchcraft or some sort of strange alchemy that we're not allowed to understand.

"That. Exactly that. Do that right now." - Sony.

Oh.

"Hey, cheer up! You can play your used games! Isn't that great?!" - Sony.

That should probably be a right, not a privilege.

"You're an entitled gamer." - Satan's Only Nuisance Yes-Men.

Okay. I best shut up and play. This must be the way forward. I trust a corporation to know what's in my best interests. Hey, can I do that thing you demo-ed at E3 where I can switch between games?

"What do you think?" - Sony.

I can't can I?

"We're sorry to say that this feature is currently unavailable at launch." - Sony.

The controller light bar is reflecting off the screen and it's distracting.

"You'd better believe that there's no way to turn that off." - Sony.

My PS4 won't stand vertically properly.

"Because you haven't bought our 15 - 30 dollar stands." - Sony.

My PS3 controller

"is now redundant and won't work with the PS4, yes." - Sony.

But why?

"Oh, did you make this console?" - Sony.

No, I didn't. I didn't make this console at all but guesswork shows that-

"You didn't make it. You keep quiet and you use it. And don't you dare try to change the way it works." - Sony.

I didn't want to until you started needlessly removing features.

"Have you been living under a rock since 2005? Who uses audio CD's?" - Sony.

My Blu-Ray remote isn't working.

"We're not letting it." - Sony.

I'm sure I don't need any of those things anyway. I'm not ancient. I'm cool and hip. I'll press the share button and it's.... it's doing nothing.

"Oh, that doesn't work at launch." - Sony.

The share button won't work at launch? But that was cited as a main feature. You have to-

"We don't have to do anything." - Sony.

I've got my musicunlimited subscription so I can listen to music whilst I play, even though I used to do that with burned and synced CD's anyway.

"Don't dwell on the past." - Sony.

Hey, can I still use that music visualiser with the massive HD planet earth and the fun mountain waves that moved in time with the music?

"Of course you can't. This is the PS4, not the PS3." - Sony.

Can I at least play MP3's? You said they were ok, right?

"Nope. Not allowed." - Sony

Ok. Fine. I'll play for a month. The share button will make this much more fun.

===============================================================

Hey, why isn't it working now?

"Oh, the devs don't like you recording that because it's a part of the game with spoilers." - Sony.

But I could record them with a camera phone, why aren't you letting me record them with this? How does this make any difference at all?

"Do you enjoy ruining other people's fun?" - Sony.

You're right. It's for the best. I'd best post this video on-

"No videos on YouTube right now. Only Facebook." - Sony.

I don't want to share them on Facebook.

"Ok, that's fine. You don't have to." - Sony.

Can I ask why?

"Are you a major games developer or well-known journalist?" - Sony.

No.

"No." - Sony.








I'm going to be straight with you in case you haven't got the point already. A console is not superior if it has fewer features than its predecessor. That's just the definition.

And the worst part is that we can't debate any additional feature that's been blocked, scuppered or adapted.
If you want to record all of the game, including parts of the endgame you're "spoiling it for everyone."
If you can't afford to buy an expensive console, an expensive game and pay two subscription fees you're "poor" and should "get a job."
If you want to play audio cd's you're "hipster", "old fashioned" or "backward."


I'm not saying that the PS4 should play CD's you crazy fanboy mongoloids.
I'm asking why it can't.

Why CAN'T I play audio cd's?
Why have you NOT included dynamic themes?
Why am I DISALLOWED when it comes to PS3 peripherals?

All I need to hear is:

"We're saving space. It sucks I know, but we had to make the decision."
"Dynamic themes weren't used as much as we'd hoped. We cut it out to save money."
"I'm not going to lie, we wanted you to buy another controller along with the machine."
"We can't get PS3 discs to work. Let me open up the box and show you exactly why you can run PS3 games from cloud storage but not from a disc."

And then I'd shut up. I'd take that answer and whilst I wouldn't be happy, I'd at least be satisfied that there was some justified reason behind the removal of a feature.

Should anyone in the world who asks the question of "Why" be met with derision and insults?


"It's 720p. Get over it."
"It's not backwards compatible. Stop thinking in the past."
"Of course you have to pay for online. Those dedicated servers aren't going to pay for themselves."

"Ok." leaves us with shitty launch titles, inferior hardware, firmware and software, poorly designed products built for the eyes to look at rather than play, badly optimized games and an uninformed gaming public who are blindly faithful to a brand in a way that would make the religious roll their eyes.

"Why." leaves us with maybe we could improve, let's give this a go, we haven't tried approaching it this way and well, progress.

Don't be mistaken, marketers will lie to you. They're trying to sell you a product, not invite you back to their pad for tequila and backrubs.

The Xbox One has been re-announced three times because marketers weren't how sure just how hard to push their console. And remember, it's absolute pants and has less processing power than the PS4 despite the fact it's a hundred dollars more. (That part is a fact, not up for dispute or bargaining.) Why the fuck would they be honest with you when the marketers are working with a goddamn lemon to begin with? It's not the fault of the designer or maker either. They were presumably told to cut corners up top and hope they wouldn't be noticed by the general public.

I've spent this entire blog slamming Sony's PS4 and I know that the Xbox One will look far worse when it eventually comes clean.

Stop being a sucker and ask some questions.

Otherwise the industry is on the way out.

Video Game Idea: Point and Click the Platformer

                                                  Everyone loves a good platform game.

And everyone loves Cookie Clicker.

So I was wondering.... Is it possible to merge the two games together? A platformer with cookie-clicker ideas and concepts?

That got me thinking.

Imagine a sidescrolling platformer that's set, let's say, in a junkyard, in which the main obstacles were incredibly high walls and, every minute or so, a small rubbish/refuse box fell down from the sky.

Now the player can either wait until enough boxes generate until they can scale the wall or salvage the insides of the box and sell them.They can then buy upgrades such as quicker spawning boxes/ heavier boxes which do more damage if they land on an enemy/ a higher probability of rarer items inside the box.

So you've got a game which you can play two different ways. You can either be incredibly patient or take a gamble.

I think it'd be quite fun.

Video Game Idea: Pokemon's Gym Leader-ator.

So who are the coolest people in Pokemon? Not the trainers, not the Pokemon professors. Not even the Team Rocket/Plasma/Magma/Aqua/Flare whatever.

It was always the gym leaders. They were awesome.

They had the coolest music, they had their own badges and special moves they gave to you if you beat them and it felt like a challenge. (Growing up it did. Now my Pokemon level up far too quickly.)

Plus they had the coolest Pokemon. I remember Lt Surge using a Raichu and all I could think is "What the hell is that thing?! I haven't seen that one before! It looks badass!"

So what if, after you've completed the game, you got the option to make your own gym?

Or maybe as you progressed through the game, you got more and more options for gym leader creation.

Let me walk you through it.

Ok, so you've got your first badge and you gain the option to make your character a gym leader. It'll be online in a social hub where people can choose to fight you. So someone else in America might be playing on their 3ds and decide to fight you as a gym leader. They click on you and the battle is initiated. 

When you get your second badge, your options expand a little. You can pick a small basic house that the player who clicks on you will be warped to. They can then stroll up to you and choose to battle you. You can choose a couple of basic layouts from a small abandoned shed to a mini silo to a plain house.

When you get your third badge, you can choose your gym leader sprite from a select few such as Ace Trainer/Hiker/Kid/Old Man which will appear for the trainer to battle with. Just a fun customization option.

When you get your fourth badge, you can make your own badge with the 3DS stylus! The badges online players get from beating you will be stored in a different badge case that's essentially bottomless.

With the fifth badge, you unlock more sprite options, more options for your gym layout and more colours/designs for your gym badge. You can also buy accessories to help with the layout of your gym and choose a theme for it.

With the sixth badge, you can design your own NM. NM's are like TM's or HM's but they're designed by the player and you can choose the name, type, damage -accuracy ratio and the animation of the move. This will be given to opponents who face you in your personal gym.

With the seventh badge, you can write dialogue for your gym leader sprite. Naughty words are banned.

With the eighth badge, players that lose to you will pay you 2000 pokedollars that will go straight into your players moneycase. Players that beat you will get an extra reward, however. You can't decide the beneficial effect that is bestowed upon the winning opponent but they can include:

- Pokemon slowly restore hp by 1 point every hour.

- Every week your character receives two hundred Pokedollars.

- Ten unlockable gym leader sprites for them.

- Fifty unlockable gym items for the opponents gym to make it look pretty.

- A free endless Hyper Potion that restores itself at the end of each fortnight.

- A Pokeball every Tuesday.

- A random rare item every month.

These will be on rotation and the dueling trainer has no say in what they get. All evenly distributed. Your gym leader sprite will have a randomly allocated one.

Kind of like the Badass rank system in Borderlands 2. It has a soft cap, but can technically go on forever.

I like the idea. Maybe I should e-mail Nintendo?

Video Game Glitches: GTA Online

I wanted to take this time to thank you all for reading. I've got over 500 hits in the short time this blog has been active.

I'd like to say a big thank you to my 265 home-boys in the UK, my 196 brotherz-from-another-motherz the US of A. 16 Indonesians, 6 Frenchmen, 2 Brazilians, Canadians, Germans and Ukrainians as well as someone in Italy and someone in Romania.

Also, some maniac is viewing the every other week from an iPod. Dude. How are you even doing that?

You know who you are and you should feel good about yourself for having such great taste in pointless and rambling blogs.

Anyway, I found a glitch earlier this month that I totally forgot to show you guys. It revolves around this house.

Basically, the gate mesh texture is all blehblehnoIdon'twannaworkproperly and you can merrily stroll right in.

Keep on going. Forget logic. Logic is your bitch right now.

If you make it to the other side, you'll fall through the ground until your waist goes through the pathway.

Wiggle your character a little, and you should fall straight through the entire world only to spawn back either on the road outside or on the nearby beach behind the house. Just a neat little thing. Thought I'd share.

Video Game Thoughts: Nudity in Video Games

So I don't know if you've heard the news but Ellen Page, the 26 year old Canadian actress, is sueing Sony due to her leaked naked pictures of her in the video game Beyond: Two Souls. Here's the offending picture, with the necessary censorship put in place by some unknown forum.

I know what you're wondering.You're wondering how naked pictures of the actress can be "leaked" if they're in the game. The answer to that is a very interesting one, worth mentioning in this discussion.

There is no scene in which you see Ellen Page naked in Beyond: Two Souls. 

Let me explain. Beyond: Two Souls is a cinematic game very much in the vein of Heavy Rain. Indeed, it was made by Quantic Dream and written/directed by David Cage. Both were.

Ellen Page agreed to have her likeness used in a video game. She agreed to have her voice used as well.

The shower scene in the game is supposed to be tactful. It's supposed to contain camera angles and cinematography techniques that would not show her breasts.

But we live in a world in which not everything is dandy and people own debugged PS3's. 

Some hacked consoles allow players to MOVE THE CAMERA ANGLE.

And we ended up with this picture and presumably others.

Ellen Page found out about this and threatened to sue Sony. She probably won't. Streisand Effect. Her agents/lawyers will advise her not to in order to keep the incident away from the general public. But should she? Should she sue Sony, the Japanese company who made the PS3? Or Quantic Dream, the French studio who made the game? Or David Cage, the American who wrote the game?

One thing worth mentioning is that Ellen Page apparently did not give Cage permission to design a fully naked sculpt of her in the first place. This just makes this even more confusing and makes me worry if David Cage has naked sculpts of me, my family and everyone I know and care about.

Was Ellen not told about the shower scene when she was reading the script? Was it omitted? Did she think her character would shower whilst clothed? Is it childish for an actor to insist that they are taken seriously whilst opening a lawsuit because a game company portrayed her in the buff?

Is it technically HER in the game anyway?

It's her voice, yes. It's her face, yes. But it's not her naked body. It's a CG sculpt that an artist made. Is this any different from someone doodling some boobies with a pencil and slapping a picture of Ellen Page's face on it? Is it the fact that it's closer to resembling Ellen Page? Do the graphics contribute in any way to this potential court case? There are no easy answers and it is definitely one of the most controversial topics I've come across in a long time. By all means, weigh in with your own opinions in the comments.

I'm looking forward to reading them.

Video Game Muck-About: GTA Online #3

Okay, so straight into the game and I'm given a thousand dollars. I think this is a daily thing. Not sure.

Anyway, I'm out of the garage and looking to rob the nearest shop.
It's one on the corner and several old ladies are crowding the door. Obviously I ran and jump into them and several of them go flying through the glass door as it shatters all over the place.
I didn't even need to get my gun out, the cashier was already emptying the till into a plastic bag. But I took a shotgun out anyway.

After that, I'm off and away.

Ooh. Pretty countryside.

Anywho, I ditch the car and hide under a bridge until the cops go away. I then spot a large red fiat chugging down the road ridden by some. Mine. I throw the driver out and start driving towards the Grand Senora.

I use the car to rob three more shops up until the desert. That's when the car starts falling to pieces on the road. Literally half the thing fell apart in transit from joint two to joint three. It was terrifying.

In desperation, I accelerate over hill and land on top of the freight train that's casually meandering around the map. As the train goes off, the cops have no idea where I went.

Car is a wreck though.

Isn't she a beaut?

I mean, she obviously isn't but you can just SEE the adventures that me and the car had scratched into the metalwork right there. How could I possibly destroy or abandon this car? No, this car needs a proper send off. It needs to be immortalized and revered. This was the epic jump car. It deserves to be treated with respe

HIT IT WITH A TRAIN.

So then I found the rainbow parachute that's always left on that bridge and jumped off down the ravine.

Must have gone about half a mile or something. Well fun. As long as you remember to press "X"/"A"

But he threw the parachute off! It costs $500 per parachute in this game! And he just takes it off and throws it to the ground like some sort of stupidly large nylon candy wrapper! It's not on. Shouldn't be in a ditch.

Then I walked.

Ugh, this game is too big.

And walked.

UGH, THIS GAME IS TOO BIG.

On the walk back I met my friends Jose and Hernando. Here they are. What nice and happy folk they were.

Jose offered me some of his jam sandwich on the way back. Hernando was messy and got some on my car.

                                                                  Silly Hernando.

Then Jose decided to have a relaxing dip in the river under a bush and Hernando decided to sunbathe.

They wanted to continue doing that for sometime. So I got to a road and continued down the ocean highway.

Until I got to a row of shops. Unfortunately, a player in a helicopter was blasting out RPGs and so nobody was really in the mood to serve me.

Eventually I walked into the gun store and bought a new SMG and got some new gear from the clothing store.

Nope.

That's better. Without the cap, I mean. It's not better with loads of injuries.

Basically, RPG guy came back with a friend. I got hit by a rocket in the face and sprayed with some sort of carbine and respawned in Chumash looking worse than the average boyband comeback tour.

Still, I found my new car!

I'll never let this one leave my side. I'll just park her in my garage as soon as I get the catch to do it.

I got the pacific ocean confused with my garage. Easy mistake.

Here's a selfie of a guy taking a selfie and a woman trying to smoke a rectangular cigarette.

I made some new friends!

Then they all had heart attacks and suddenly bullet holes appeared in them for no reason.

It wasn't me officer. I was just stood here taking selfies the whole time!

The police believed me and arrested someone else. Meanwhile, two teenagers showed up with one tweeting on her phone about how much it sucked that their favourite relaxation spot was covered with corpses.

Some people can be so inconsiderate of others.