Video Game News: 25 Invisible Benefits of Gaming While Male.

You know what? I'm bored, I'm having a quiet night, I may or may not have been drinking.

Do you know what that means? Let's go for the low-hanging fruit again and let's keep taking a crack at it until the back pain causes me to collapse.

Feminism. Feminism in video games.

So Anita Sarkeesian, my complete BFF, has made yet another video called:

"25 Invisible Benefits of Gaming While Male"

So she wants all male gamers to check their privilege whilst playing the video games.

In this episode/review/whatever the hell it is that I do, I'm going to refute all 25 dumbass points like a shaolin monk displacing backhands thrown by a toddler.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E47-FMmMLy0

Here's the link, so feel free to play along at home by laughing.

1. "I can choose to remain completely oblivious, or indifferent, to the harassment that many women face in gaming spaces."

Well you're kind of making it hard, actually. You should probably stop. Like, I love how this one doesn't refer to "players" or "developers" just "women in gaming spaces" as if there is an actual place, somewhere in the world, and women who are either playing video games, making video games or being near video games are being attacked by men. Stay away from those gaming spaces! 

Also, what harassment? 

2. "I am never told that video games and the surrounding culture is intended for me because I am male."

Hey there, lil Johnny, just remember that whilst you play that them there interactive games there, you remember those corporate boards who went through a list of demographics and made games that catered to males solely because a large proportion of males were playing those games and would thus appeal to them!"

"Gee whiz, pa! I sure will."

Fucking retard.

Like, I mean really? Are we honestly doing this? Girls don't play videos games. At least not in the sense you're referring. They don't. Hands up for who plays video games. Everyone, good. Now put your hand down if it's Angry Birds. Now put your hand down if it's an iOS game. Now put your hand down if it's not on a home console. Now put your hand down if you don't sink lots of hours into those games.

Mostly men and a cluster of women.

Good, grand. See how many people I made put their hands down proving the fact that video games are less insular than ever? Lots! And the main community hub of console gamers playing their triple A titles (who aren't even a main gaming hub) is mostly men. 

They are and I'm sorry. No wait, I'm not sorry, fuck you.

And the women don't particularly care anyway, nor are they constantly victimised. 

They just want to play Call of Duty until they are completely sleep deprived because it's fun and they're probably good at it too.

3: "I can publicly post my username, gamer tag or contact information online without having to fear being stalked or sexually harassed because of my gender."

Why the fuck would you put your contact information online? I don't care what goolies you have where, it's just dumb as a bag of rocks to do that, you madman.

And c'mon, really? Wanna know my original username for my first PS3 that I shared with my brother? Sniperwolf24.

Is that male or female? 

Exactly, you don't know.

If you want to make a gamer tag or username with your name and gender and then chat on the mic, then there are going to be some dirtbags who will give you a hard time. Strangely, people who are in the comfort of their own bedrooms, are socially ruined and have problems talking to normal males will react negatively to you putting your gender out there.

Just, why do you need to? I'm not a male online. I don't make my username Blokedude32 and talk on the mic about what a man I am and how I do manly things. Just.... why be anything online? Why not accept that the online world of gaming is supposed to be largely gender-neutral grounds? 

Am I wrong? Yes?

No, you're right, I'll round up every strange and socially-ostracised neck beard I can find and turn them into well-rounded gentlemen of distinctive character.

4. "I will never be asked to prove my gaming cred, simply because of my gender."

Nobody does that. Nobody who actually has any relevance in the world says that. 

But I get asked to prove my cred all the time. In Warcraft, I'm not allowed to raid with my guildies unless I'm Level 100 and my item level is i600. You're not alone, lassies.

5. "If I enthusiastically express my interest in video games, nobody will automatically assume I'm faking my interest just to get attention from other gamers."

Sometimes, women do.

This is because video games are now more socially acceptable, gaming cons sometimes hire floor models and lots of women can make money from doing so.

Have some links:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLAeW4GjuSw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT5bcpuWtYM

But nobody who is sensible will attack smart businesswomen or female gamers who genuinely are enthusiastic.

They will say "Ok. I like the video games too and we should play some now because I haven't played video games for thirty minutes and need to play one right now."

6. "I can look at practically any gaming site, show or magazine and see the voices of people of my own gender widely represented."

Went on all my favourite gaming websites, went on all my favourite forums.

Oh look, unisex usernames and default pictures. 

Let's assume they are all male anyway.

It's fair enough, I guess. Males buy video games, shareholders look at stats, game sites cater to males because they have the money.

I'm sorry society is its own reflection, you bunch of whining pansies.

7. "When I go to a gaming event or convention, I can be relatively certain that I won't be harassed, groped, propositioned or catcalled by total strangers."

You can, although it is incredibly sad that one or two male gamers let the side down by being jerks.

Just like you guys let your side down by being radical feminists.

This is too easy, I may have to stop or take a break.

8. "I will never be asked or expected to speak for all other gamers who share my gender."

That's great 'cuz I'm not going to. And neither is anyone going to speak for a large group or be asked to.

Because that's not even about sexism, that's just plain insanity.

I want to know if there are any female gamers who have been stopped in the middle of gaming, or at a convention, by a large rotund male with sweat patches who asks you to tell him why all women are all plotting on all ruining video games from a two-year old girl in Massachusetts to a fifty-year old Incan tribeswoman.

That person is not just a sweaty neck beard. They need serious psychiatric help.

9. "I can be sure that my gaming performance, both good and bad, won't be attributed to, or reflect on, my gender as a whole."

Basically, Anita is mad she can't quickscope.

I don't think anyone actually has said that my kd ratio on a shooter, DPS recount on an MMO or just about anything else, has anything to do with the junk currently located in or around my trunk.

Again, nobody worth listening to.

10. "My gaming ability will never be called into question based on unrelated, natural, biological functions."

"You can't kill the enemy because you're too busy having a vagina."

"I bet you wouldn't have failed that escort mission if you'd had a mastectomy."

Again, only the words of the crazed and the lunatics.

11. "I can be relatively sure my thoughts about video games won't be dismissed or attacked based solely on my tone of voice. Even if I speak in an obnoxious, aggressive, crude or flippant manner."

If I talk aggressively about video games, that is a mere bitter blossom from my passion towards it.

And people do talk shit about the way I talk shit all the time.

If I go on any message board right now and express my views, I will have someone who calls me a dickhead and that my views are wrong and then I call them something flavourful and we exchange slurs and ideas until the thread 404's.

Nothing to do with gender. You have a view? Defend it or you get no sympathy.

12. "I can openly say that my favourite games are casual, odd, non-violent, artistic or cute without fear that I am reinforcing a stereotype that men are not real gamers."

I love the imaginary female in this scenario, flustered over how her affinity with Spore is somehow stopping all women from playing video games forever and banning them from every form of media entertainment.

If you're a woman and you're a gamer, you don't wait around for some sort of letter of acceptance, some sort of accreditation. You're probably already playing video games, looking up bewilderedly from your controller like the rest of us and wondering who the hell these people are and why they are so offended and oppressed.

13. "When purchasing most major video games in a store, chances are I will not be asked, or assumed to be, buying it for a wife, daughter or girlfriend."

Picked up Little Big Planet 3, was immediately asked if it was for my girlfriend.

Chances were against me, next question.

14. A vast majority of game studios, past and present, have been led and populated primarily by people of my own gender and, as such, most of their products have been specifically designed to cater to my demographic.

Yeah, buy more games then.

Yeah, develop more games then.

Yeah, you're already doing that.

Not you, person who is making this list of 25 asinine "benefits", person who didn't ask petty questions and actually wanted to play video games in the first place, went in headfirst without a care at all and is probably in the same boat as me in hating these people who are can't even brush their teeth without getting offended/triggered/mentally raped.

15. "I can walk into any gaming store and see images of my gender widely represented as powerful heroes, dastardly villains and NPC's alike."

Kinda looks like a big library of stories made by people who cared very much about issues very dear to them. Maybe you should stop telling those people how to tell their stories as they clearly know much more than you. =')

16: "I most always have the option of playing a character of my gender, as most protagonists or heroes  are male by default."

Remember the time I took Portal, Mirror's Edge, Chainsaw Lollipop, Bayonetta, Metroid, Tomb Raider, Oni, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy, Catherine, Alice: Madness Returns, Left 4 Dead and 105 other games back to the store because I had to play as a woman to advance the plot?

You don't? Is that because that didn't fucking happen? You are right, friend.

17. "I do not have to carefully navigate my engagement with online communities in online gaming spaces in order to avoid or mitigate the possibility of being harassed because of my gender."

Stay away from those online gaming spaces on that dastardly world wide web on the video home console, kids!

Seriously, for most questions "Because of my gender" seems a little bit tacked on.

are you sure you're not just being really difficult?

And I have to navigate carefully too. I was on Warcraft and accidentally repaired my armour using the guild bank and had to explain to the guild leader that I misclicked.

It was fucking intense, but I didn't decide to become a minority out of spite.

18. "I probably never think about hiding my real life gender through my gamer name, my avatar choice or by muting voice chat from fear of harassment for my being male."

I do! I want to escape! On earth I may be Charlie, but online I can be Priscilla, Queen of the Araqniqids in Call of Skyrim in the League of Legends and I will wear beautiful petticoats and refuse to take this question seriously.

19. "When I enter a game, I can be relatively sure I won't be attacked or harassed if and when my real life gender is made public."

When you presumably plan for it to go public, remind everyone multiple times on voice chat, spam messages insisting that you're female and tell everyone to stop hitting on you when they start to complain about migraines from the incessant "I'm a girl gamer please respect me in specific ways that I like."

20. "If I am trash talked or verbally berated whilst playing online, it will not be because I am male. Nor will my gender be invoked as an insult."

Of course it will, they'll insult the size of my manhood like everyone online has always done ever since the first ethernet cable was hooked up. 

Any gender can be insulted. Deal with, yo.

21: "Whilst playing online with people I don't know, I won't be interrogated about the size and shape of my real-life body parts, nor will I be pressured to share intimate details of my sex life for the pleasure of other players."

"Show us or we don't believe you and think you've got a tiny tackle and can't please any women." - Any male gamer to any other male gamer.

22: "Complete strangers generally do not send me unsolicited images of their genitalia or demand to see me naked on the basis of being a male gamer."

I wish they would sometimes though. I think we all do.

23: "In multiplayer games, I can be pretty sure that conversations between me and other players will not focus on speculation about my attractiveness or sexual availability in real life."

I once joined a lobby in Call of Duty in which an Iranian tried to tell me about how his orange plantation would make him a billionaire and how he'd hire hitmen on every other person on the matchmaking list once he'd become a billionaire.

Expect anything.

24: "If I choose to point out sexism in gaming, my observations will not be seen as self-serving and will therefore be seen as more credible and worthy of respect than those of my female counterparts even if they are saying the exact same thing."

said the man in the video, who was given that script specifically to say, by a woman who gave the man the script because she personally believed that if she read the script out herself she'd be seen as self-serving.

Calling the kettle black, indeed.

We don't think you're self-serving anyway, Anita. You don't even play video games.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Afgtd8ZsXzI

25: "Because it was created by a straight white man, this checklist would likely be taken more seriously than if it had been written by any female gamer."

No.

That is my final argument and magnum opus.

No.

No, feminism in videogames in not a thing. Good day.

Browser Game Reviews: Idle Games.

I thought I'd do things a little differently today by mentioning three games that you can play right now, in your browser, without downloading anything.

I thought, why the hell not? I waste enough of my time playing them so surely the fact that I do not need to put a disc in a machine, wait an hour for downloaded content and hotfix patches like LittleBigPlanet 3 this afternoon and spend inordinate amounts of time staring at loading screens shouldn't stop me from writing about them on my blog.

In this special feature, I'm going to be covering Idle Games.

What are Idle Games? They're rather games that you don't play. Games you buy upgrades for and then wait as an incremental score ticks up and up and allows you to buy more upgrades to get the number higher and higher.

You have probably already heard of Cookie Clicker and given that a good go, so I will keep it off the list. The titan deserves no more credit until it gets a few more updates.

In any case, here they are.

#3: Progress Quest: www.progressquest.com

Progress Quest is, in essence, a text-based idle-game RPG. Once you're on the site, click play and you'll be taken to the character creation screen where you choose attributes and random names and all that gubbins. From then on, you're pretty much done. You then watch as Progress Quest plays the game for you as you kill random enemies and receive random loot of various rarities before heading back to town to negotiate the purchase of better equipment.

It comes complete with a Windows '95 background and won't progress if you alt tab or otherwise open another browser.

#2: Kittens Game: http://bloodrizer.ru/games/kittens/#

Called the "Dark Souls" of the Idle Game genre due to its extreme unending length and harshness, In Kittens Game you are a Kitten and you press a button to harvest Catnip. You can then either make Catnip Fields by planting the Catnip to make more Catnip or Refine the Catnip into Woods to make Huts.

Fields do well in Spring but poorly in Winter and your Kittens will die due to Catnip shortages if you do not plant enough.

You then do other things including learning science for cultivation and other things with Scholar kittens once you have room for them, or you could get more Wood with Woodcutting Kittens and so on, but you'll have less Kittens to haves Catnip so they'll all die in Winter if you haven't thought long and hard about your Catnip resources.

The official wiki is endless. 

http://bloodrizer.ru/games/kittens/wiki/index.php?page=Main+page

#1: Clicker Heroes.

www.clickerheroes.com

Dun-dun, duddah duh duh. Stuck in my head since early this year.

Maybe it's the cutesy graphics or the way its made but it's just so frackin' addictive.

This game is just the bomb. You click enemies and they die and you get coins. with the coins, you buy heroes. Heroes give you upgrades which lets you kill bigger things. Get a certain number of Heroes and you get Hero Souls, reset the game and you get +5% damage for each Hero Soul you have OR you can use them to get Godlike Powers from Ancients which give you permanent buffs throughout all subsequent playthroughs. Get over Level 100 and every five new levels you will receive a random buff to a Hero which changes their art style and makes them twice as powerful, a buff that also remains through new playthroughs and there's a bunch of achievements as well which gives you extra permanent bonuses.

It's amazing.

But the best bit? When you save and click off it, the game keeps killing enemies and gathering coins for when you next turn the game on due to your save being saved in a cached script on your computer.

The wiki has thousands of helpful tips:

http://clickerheroes.wikia.com/wiki/ClickerHeroes_Wiki

It also has an Official SubReddit and community if you're the type of person who frequents those lesser sorts of websites.

http://www.reddit.com/r/ClickerHeroes/

Enjoy gaming, folks. I'll be back with an instalment of the best free browser MMO's after the cut.

Video Game Review: Little Big Planet 3.

So without any fanfare at all, Little Big Planet 3 dropped out of nowhere. No ads, no forum debates, no real newsworthy sites discussing it.

Little Big Planet is a platforming game that allows you to create your own platforming games and has been insanely popular with over eight million levels made by the community. It has a Story Mode and a Create Mode. You collect materials, decorations and stickers in the story mode to use in the create mode.

Its first and second iterations were made by Media Molecule, but the third has been made by Sumo Digital, an independent UK company based in Sheffield.

I'm going to go ahead and spoil this for you right off of the bat, despite the fact that I'm usually expected to play it out and make jokes and be humorous.

The game is buggy and unplayable. I wish I was exaggerating when I say unplayable. The game is literally stuck in the same space.

There were initial problems that were minor such as not being able to place down stickers or things in Create Mode that would have been annoying but otherwise fine. After the December 4th patch, the game items at the end of each level haven't loaded at all and are impossible to pick up. On some sections, my character won't move. There are lag problems, there are problems with the voice acting cutting out suddenly, basic AI won't work, features from the second game won't work, one particular section is presenting me with an end-of-level scoreboard that freezes the game entirely.... I could go on. The point is that I paid £49.99 for this game and it's just really, really bad.

Which is why nobody's discussing it probably.
People who don't like it aren't even being decried as haters, it's just that nobody bothered to pick the game up and the few that did were severely disappointed.
I don't think I missed any reviews. They only started coming in after I bought the game and took it home.

I could give you a blow-by-blow account of the limited story experience I had with the game along with the new banal characters or the out-of-place voice acting or the lack of charm in general, but instead, I'd like to make a point of just asking why this game was released in that state.

Why is it ever ok to release a buggy or unfinished game? If you did that a while back, hell even in the early 00's, you'd have your game canned and you'd be laughed out of your studios for not keeping up with video game progression.

Now people keep defending shoddy publishers saying "It'll be better when it's patched." "It'll be better when they improve it."

Well guess what, fuckfaces, I would be better if I improved into someone who went to the gym five times a week, owned twelve mansions and fifty-nine cars. But are we all going to delude ourselves into thinking that I am that because I, like every other dumb person on this scuzz-rock we call Earth, have the potential to do that?
No. BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE PSYCHOTIC. I CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH.

Seriously! Devs and publishers who are bankrolled have so much money these days they put a video games critical or public failure down to a lack of marketing budget.

Don't believe me? Why the fuck is Paul McCartney singing in Destiny then?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=163_C5UVU-I

I hope you're listening to that as you read these words, and imagining those men in suits who just think that if they throw money at a problem and tell people that they're not owed anything then they'll just shut up and buy more, and consume more and be quiet.
And it's sort of working. People have Xbox Ones and PS4's despite the fact we've had over a whole year of new consoles and nothing to show for it.

You are owed something. A better game. A polished and finished game you paid for.

Titanfall is a multiplayer demo missing a campaign. Not a "A next-generation competitive multiplayer title that blurs the lines between traditional online shooters and single-player campaign." - Game Informer
Watch Dogs is a GTA-like with poor vehicle handling and a weak story. Not the "Best and most innovative game ever made." - Reddit forums.
Destiny is a failed MMORPG that needs you constantly online or otherwise will not work and feels half-done. Not The next evolution of the first-person action genre that provides an unprecedented combination of storytelling, cooperative, competitive, and public gameplay, and personal activities that are all seamlessly woven into an expansive, persistent online world.  - Destiny official site.


I just don't see why we're allowed to be lied to as much as we are about the specs of the game, the downgrading of graphics and content and all other matters.

If it was a tin of soup, a DVD, a comic, a book, a magazine or any other product, item or intellectual comestible, it would be illegal.

But it's only video games so who cares, right?

(Footnote, I will be continuing a review of this game when I can actually complete the level and will do reviews of both the new Create Mode and new Story Mode. However, neither work functionally yet.)

Video Game Review: Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel.

Borderlands is somehow the gifted problem child of the video game world. It's incredibly open and free to traverse however you please and the cel shaded environments are designed to please whilst flipping the bird to the people who buy annual instalments of Call of Duty or Assassin's Creed to see how many threads in a t-shirt can be rendered or how many polygons are in a nearby rock.

Oh yeah, how's Unity working out for you, Ass Creed fans?

At this point I think there's been a misunderstanding with the dev team who went with the working title Assassin's Creed Made On Unity, but that wouldn't even explain the number of bugs in this game.

Going off topic, main point is that I have no sympathy for those who bought the game whilst review embargoes were up. Shop smarter, goddamn it.

Anyway, Borderlands the Pre-Sequel carries on, carrying back, before the events of Borderlands 2. You assist the villain from the Borderlands 2 in his rise to power which is an interesting premise. It was made by 2K Australia, the Australian branch of 2K games who spent time making the game WHILST Borderlands 2 was being designed, which is why this game was released after only a year after the release of the second game.

Granted, the characters are all fresh in your mind, and that may have been the idea given the number of self-referential jokes throughout Borderlands: The Presequel.

Oh and it's in space, and everyone has an Austalian accent and the O2 kits that keep you breathing in between lunar air pockets and atmosphere bubbles are called Oz kits. Oz as in down under. Oz as in Australia. Oz as in, we-are-trying-to-be-funny-do-you-get-our-jokes-please-get-our-jokes-we've-tried-to-put-them-in-everything.

You play as one of four vault hunters, Claptrap, Athena, Wilhelm or Nisha who all have their own play styles and are designed for different types of players. Same story as always, which is a bit sad. Change it up a bit, fellas!

Granted, the game is fairly big. However, it does feel a little bit of an under budgeted version of Borderlands 2. This isn't helped by the fact that it is, by definition, an under-budgeted version of Borderlands 2.

There are some neat twists though, such as Cryo. 

Cryo is a new enemy freezing type which allows you to break and smash your foes in a satisfying manner. Oz kits also allow you to double jump and "butt-slam" enemies for damage at the expense of Oxygen.

Cryo replaces Slag as an elemental type, Scav replaces Bandit as a weapon type, Moonstone replaces Eridium, Oz Kits replace Relics and I'm left wondering why this game cut so much from the second game when they could have left everything in and given it all a place for added customisation. 

Badass ranks remain exactly the same, (For the uninitiated, Badass ranks are rank levels the player gets for doing anything from opening boxes to kill enemies with barrels which then give the player bonuses.) This all very well and good, but there are no additional stats this time around. The game could have added faster player speed, increased player jump height, more vehicle damage, specific elemental damage increase, specific elemental chance effect, specific weapon damage, better vehicle accuracy or a bunch other stats, Just heighten the percentage increase after you rank up and then leave it at a flat rate like 5% so I give a damn. Twenty stat boosts are great. But I want two hundred. And I even got a notebook out and found that it is perfectly possible to do just that.

DON'T CALL ME SAD. I WORK ON PERFECTING SKINNER BOXES IN MY SPARE TIME.

Randomise them if you have to, so that players have to specify in specific weapon skills/vehicles.

So Brad uses shotguns because he has +10% damage with shotguns, Bob drives vehicles around because he can drive +10% faster and shoot +15% faster with vehicles and Mark uses snipers because of all the bonuses he's got for snipers. Multiplayer matches would be a lot more fun, with experienced players being incredibly overpowered and sought out for their hardcore bonuses.

Hell, make it so that I can transfer my badass rank from Borderlands 2 and get a halved version in Borderlands : The Pre-Sequel so that I become better and better not just as I get through the game, but better as I progress through the SERIES.

This is how you make video game veterans who will buy your product addictively, instead of pulling bullshit like having enemies enemies dropping customisation skins to use with the DLC you haven't bought.

That can fuck RIGHT OFF.

Hey, maybe even cap badass rank at 50 badass tokens instead of making it more and more tedious to rank up as the rewards drop off until you lose interest and turn the game off.

Woo. 0.5% Accuracy. ugh. So pumped. Yeah. Go me oh yeah I guess. I do so love your enthusiasm for creating a balanced game instead of something fun and that I was planning to fricken' ENJOY.

Add in an item that allows the player to get extra randomised ranks so that they can choose how they rank up. Players like a decision on what they like doing and maybe find themselves doing it more if you didn't stop giving rank points for it. I mean it's better than Destiny's shitty system but it's far from perfect.

Maybe make that in-game item buyable with the Eridium you got rid of for no fucking reason, opting to change a pointless currency for another one instead of finding a place for everything you've worked so hard to develop.

Give the player the option to unlock a relic slot for moonstones or whatever.

The phrase "Throwing baby out with the bathwater" has never been so accurate.

Apart from that, it's incredibly fun. In fact, I will admit that it is much more frenetic and fast paced with flying enemies everywhere. 

Well, usually fun. Apart from the occasional death from being knocked into bottomless chasms that have you yelling "BULLSHIT" at the TV. But yeah, that's Borderlands.

Conclusion? More of the same, for better or for worse.

£24.99 at GAME. Try CEX for lower.

Video Game Review: Gothic 4: Arcania.

Oh, Gothic. You poor and misunderstood creature.

So poor that literally nobody outside of Poundland shoppers who happened to have some spare time in September know about you.

Yes. This an RPG for the Xbox 360 that I picked up from Poundland.

But goddamn, it was the best one hundred English pennies that I have ever spent.

First of all, the storyline is balls-to-the-wall accidental hilarity from the user manual containing a pointless two-page story of a bored barmaid to the actual broken glitchy gameplay.

After the main character (who I don't even think HAD a name) is introduced, you go on a series of pointless quests to kill Molerats, an enemy stolen, name and semi-model, from an entirely different game. Then you do quests by running to different objective (or rolling, because it is disturbingly faster.)

After that, you go into a cave and a magical woman tells you that you are the chosen one because you are "particularly good at killing things and can gain stats unlike other people in the world."

I'm not joking, that was genuine dialogue from the game.

Then I talked to someone and my character smiled, but the smile froze and was stuck on the character's face for the rest of the game.

After that, the island burns down.

The island, in the middle of the ocean, burns down.

Then my character washes up on some sort of beach, his pregnant wife, family and friends all dead.

The voice actor screams whilst my character's head pops up onto the screen, still with the "dialogue smile" stuck on his face and his mouth unmoving.

I laughed for five straight minutes until I couldn't see past the tears in my eyes.

From then on, the story necessitates that you enter into this fort, but climb the mountain to get something for the man guarding the fort, otherwise he won't let you in.

After half-climbing the mountain, I jumped over the games invisible wall on a high up hillock and somehow accessed the games SUPER SECRET SNOWBOARDING LEVEL.

Basically, the character stood still and somehow slid across the map until I managed to direct him to a cliff face where he fell into the aforementioned fort I was supposed to breaking into.

Since the door was barred, I was wondering how to get back, I talked to the guardsman at the gates who yelled "YOU'RE NOT COMING IN." over and over, despite the fact that I was, very clearly, in.

Then I just walked into the door until my character's arm got stuck, spasmed and caused him to shoot across the map and die.

I did this multiple times, also landing in the river.

If you land in water in Arcania 4, this happens.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLH9ZFKQvlg

It's just too funny.

10/10 game. I would recommend to everyone of all ages, forever.

Not even sure if I'm joking at this point.

Oh and the graphics are clearly better than Destiny's, so there's that.

Video Game Review: Destiny.

I'm ready to review it now.

Not as a Level 17/18 who just finished the campaign, but as a Level 24 with three Legendary weapons.
And you know how I feel about Destiny?

"10 year plan!" the Bungie execs said, whilst playing in their office ball pit or swimming around in the indoor swimming pool at Bungie HQ. It's the perfect MMO! This is the new generation, baby!

I've played MMO's. And this is a 6/10. And that is being generous.

See it all comes down to the grind. The treadmill.

The treadmill is what keeps you engaged in an MMO outside of the main storyline. It's usually in the form of character development, gaining stats or points or better weapons for your character. It is hard to be invested in an MMO without a treadmill.

Destiny's treadmill of choice is gear. Gear is everything.

They even have a unique system called The Grimoire, in which you gain passive bonuses such as better weapon experience, more materials from gathering nodes, etc, etc. Grimoire Points overall increase your likelihood of better gear drops. Groovy.

However, nobody knows or cares because it isn't in-game and you have to log on to Bungie.net, type in your password and sign in with PSN or the Facingbook or whatever you rascals are using these days.

It is capped at Rank 3, meaning that any enemies you kill that spawn on all of the planets become pretty much moot after a while.

Well done, Bungie. You officially fucked up.

Here's what you should have done.

- Add an in-game computer to the hub world. You can check Grimoire progress and see which bonuses are active.

- Grimoire Ranks are no longer capped at Rank 3. If you kill an extra number of enemies, dependent on their level and skill, you will continue to gain ranks. You will no longer gain Grimoire points for drops but will instead gain bonuses. For example,

Enemy Kill-Based Grimoire Bonus:

+5% Damage to Enemy.
+10% extra Glimmer from Glimmer based consumables.
+1% chance of Glimmer from Enemy.

Weapon Bonuses:

5% extra Weapon experience from weapon kills.
2% chance of Weapon dealing extra damage.
1% chance of Weapon automatically reloading without pause.

Area Based Bonuses (For every 1000 extra enemies killed on every planet):
+10% chance of extra materials from this area on top of your existing 2 materials.


This is to stop players from being lulled into a sense that they no longer need to fight against certain enemy factions due to a full grimoire and thus play the game less.

As extra "treadmill" fixing, all enemy ranks have the chance of giving an extra bonus.

+1% chance of dealing extra Weapon damage against a Fallen/Vex/Cabal/Hive boss.

It is supposedly easier to get these extra bonuses by ranking up your kills with minions of the boss subtype. For example, Centurion kill ranks would be more likely to give you the extra bonus of extra damage against a Cabal boss when you rank up.

Some bonuses will be rarer than others, but are otherwise randomised. You do not know what extra bonus/bonuses you will get until you rank up.

There we go. Now there's an incentive to actually play the game instead of just join strike and raid queues. It makes it a game where you can make your character infinitely stronger and therefore much more likely to be invited into groups. Grinding and playing solo should be a viable option.

This is basic game design. You make the treadmill, you make the game better, you extend the playable hours.

Additionally, the invisible walls in the game suck, as well as the "TURN BACK" messages you get from simply trying to get over a small lunar hillock to get to the other side.

Also, you can't join raids unless you have a large group of online friends.

It's a little bit... embarrassing really. £49.99 demo pretty much cuts a fine description.

I just expect more from an MMO.

Video Game Review: Fantasy Life.

Fantasy Life is a video game developed by Level 5 studios, infamous for their Professor Layton series, Dark Chronicle and associated with Studio Ghibli to a lesser extent. You may also know them for Dark Cloud, if you're the type of person who spends a little bit too much time indoors. (Not judging, I hate going outside as well. The graphics are poor and the AI is rubbish.)

In this game, you are a person who wakes up one day and your mum tells you to go and get a job and stay out of her attic. So you do.

The rest of the game follows an overarching story which is your usual run-of-the-mill "asteroids are falling and turning monsters into evil things and there's an evil person over there very far away and we should probably do something about it."story.

When I say we, I am referring to the butterfly you befriend immediately at the beginning of the story called Flutter, who is actually a magical goddess in disguise, something poorly hinted at during the entire story. When I say poorly hinted, Flutter basically openly tells you that she is this being by being all defensive whenever anyone asks why she can talk or why she glows and seems all magic and stuff.

It's a very kid friendly story, almost to the point of ridiculousness. There's a part where a group of pirates openly assault you and after you've warded them away, they threaten to torture you if you ever cross them again.... by tickling you.

I mean, I'm not saying the story should have been balls-to-the-wall offensive, but this game feels sometimes as if it's trying to veer away from anything controversial at all, whilst we journey from a forest full of simple folk to a port town full of pirates to a desert town full of arabian magicians.

That said, there are some moments of accidental comedy gold such as a man threatening you/ rewarding you with "mega aids"

Only dampened by sad and tired internet memes that should have been retired five months ago.

Now don't you dare tell me that was accidental.

Gameplay wise, Fantasy Life is fun. I've put way over thirty hours into it and yet I'm apparently nowhere close to finishing the story. Welcome to JRPG's, where the video games take at least a year to complete. 

Japan, I salute you, although mostly out of worry than respect.

I mean, I've seen the videos man.

Nasty.

....

So there are 12 different jobs or "lives" to master, 4 combat and 8 crafting.

You can use ingredients from the world around you to make various things in various lives via our old favourite "mashing buttons sequentially like in a game of "Bop It!"

Be as original as you want with your crafting system, Japan, I am not going to stop you.

In it's defence, every single one of the thousands of recipes you can "master", allowing you to produce items in higher quantities and doing something quickly makes it a higher quality. So it's not totally old.

The graphics, however, are. This is because the game is two years old and has only just come out in the UK due to localisation. In addition, the full game in Japan is not the full game in the UK and USA, because a bit of it has been cut off for DLC.

If you were to ask a dev why, they would probably say it's "Because you are filthy Western pigs and do not deserve anything except a yearly Call of Duty." whilst sipping something strong and alcoholic rather bitterly.

However, gameplay is everything. You gain exp, you gain levels, you allocate points into stats, you get high enough in one combat job/life, you can perform combos. You get high enough in one crafting life, you learn special techniques to make things faster. It's all there.

And it's surprisingly fluid and enjoyable. You can get exp by mining/cutting down trees/killing enemies/crafting items/fishing and just about doing anything, so it doesn't feel as "grindy" as other games or as tedious.

Finally, it has another system whereby you can do certain challenges in order to unlock different areas of the game/different modes of transportation such as horses/turtles/camels for each respective area/the choice to play different in-game music in your in-game house/the ability to dye furniture/the ability to get a new haircut/more storage/more backpack space. The list goes on still.

Oh and the bosses are great because they're not just limited to combat bosses. there are fishing bosses, mining bosses, woodcutting bosses which are actually damn harder than you'd think.

Generally, the game has been almost universally 7/10'ed due to its extreme length, over complex mechanics (considering gaming over here) and the fact that it feels just too jam packed.

But I have a lot of time on my hands, so for me it's a solid winner.

Site News: 4,000 Site Views Giveaway Extravaganza!

Guys, you make my ranting worthwhile.

Seriously.

So here are some various DLC codes I had lying about my bedroom because every game seems to have them these days.

Do you own Fable: Anniversary? Then you might like...

Fable: Anniversary: In-Game Scythe Outfit and Weapons Pack:

Code = BBWMY - V3Q6T - J72G9 - HVF29 - VDB26

You are so welcome.

If you have an Xbox 360 and would like a Lionhead Studio's Lion-Head for your avatar then use this code below!

8Y98K - G3JG9 - V2JKT - W6Q3B - CP6YY

Again, welcome.

If you're bored, have a computer (this won't work on Mac's. Hence why it's here.)

The try the Lego Minifigure Game beta thingy over at the site! I collect the figures, don't care too much about the codes for a web game.

Codes:

7QA - UAU - U34 - YSY

XUK - EM7 - 7QD - 8MJ

GSF - 77Y - SMQ - T7M

DP8 - 558 - PC4 - RMD

6JX - RJW - VYC - 85H

These will be either:

- A Miner
- A Female Genie
- Genghis Khan
- A Spanish Fencer
- Somehow Gene Simmons.


Awesome. Fantastic. Here's to 4k more views and a solemn side note.

At some point, this blog will die. Hell, at some point I will die but the blog will be non-updateable before my life is non-updateable.

Look, the point is that I can only make 100 Posts.

Rather than deleting crude blog history, I'd rather keep everything in tact so my enemies have something to use against me if they so wish.

So my last blog will be the name of a fresh one, similarly named, with a similar feel, and maybe with more fish.

Hell, there's a lot of names to go by. The Tired Briton? The Sleepy Countryman? My favourite so far is The Insomniac Britannic. But we'll see.

Could even do podcasts. Now there's a thought....

Video Game News: Free Content For Your Videogame Disc.

Uh, let's see. The Escapist... Rock, Paper, Shotgun... Eurogamer.... Destructoid... IGN... Probably Kotaku but I'm not going to acknowledge that fetid pool of journalistic incest exists....

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/135959-The-Sims-4-Wont-Have-Pools-Because-its-Too-Much-Work-Says-EA

http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2014/07/09/why-no-pools-toddlers-sims-4/

Yeah, remember this? It was on this blog as well as every video game website that's ever been made.

WELL LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED.

http://uk.ign.com/articles/2014/10/01/the-sims-4-free-content-updates-to-include-pools-star-wars-costumes

I wish I was making this shit up.
I really wish I didn't have to explain the obvious to the people still insipidly insisting that EA are being absolutely blooming marvellous people by handing out free DLC.

How benevolent.
How caring.

They lied to your face, saying it was impossible to put it back in. I called it right here on this blog.
That's not giving you something for free, that's a corporation taking away one dildo and replacing it with one with slightly less spikes, a bit more colour and maybe a party hat.

You're still getting fucked by a mediocre, unfinished game.

If you tell me that EA would have released content if this game hadn't been critically/publically derided, then you're insane.
If you tell me that the staff at EA Maxis made this after The Sims launched, as a post-launch project, you're mad. They said publicly, in an interview, publicly accessible on your very own personal computer, that it would take months.
The Sims Facebook page simply won't respond to anyone not directly praising the game.
Everyone's acting as if everything is ok whilst we descend down another micro step of micro transaction hell, full of pitchforks, broken consumer rights and three quarters of a games production being sealed into little virtual zip locked bags unless you pay EA all the money you have, steal your parents jewellery and kill your own grandmother.

But yeah, enjoy your pool.

Grandmakiller.

Video Game Review: Yoshi's New Island 3DS

I loved the original Yoshi's Island. It was just so fun! Of course, by the original game I mean the remake of Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island that was ported to the Gameboy Advance in 2002 and named Super Mario Advance 3 because the Japanese can't name things. For examples of this, look no further than the Wii U or the New 3DS XL.

But yeah:

This. This game was amazing. 

You play as the Yoshi's, a group of multicoloured Yoshi who safeguard Mario against the evil Kamek and his minions who are attempting to steal him. I guess the art department got bored, made nine different colour palettes for Yoshi and just ran with all of them.

Anyway, the Yoshi find Mario after he drops from the sky in a blanket. A stork carrying Baby Mario and Baby Luigi to his parents was ambushed by Kamek and Baby Mario gets dropped and Kamek makes off with Baby Luigi and somehow the stork.

Anyway, you fight tonnes of bosses embedded with powers given by Kamek including slime, a crab, a piranha, a raven.

The fights were unpredictable and hilarious. Since you'd fight a bigger version of the smaller enemies you were jumping on and squashing, you'd think you'd get a sense of "Oh, just use the same tactics, right?"

WRONG.

Raphael the Raven was a brilliantly thought out fight. It started out with you scaling a tower to fight the raven. You've got to keep going up whilst a large pit of lava suddenly rises. If you fall down you die. 

So you get to the top, see the tiny enemy, Kamek rolls up and sprays magic multicoloured shit on it and you think "Ok, the room looks fairly empty. Not sure how this fight is going to play out. He's a raven, seen these before. Not dangerous. Slightly bouncy."

That's when the raven rams you, you bounce off the walls, into the sky and the Raven follows you.

SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER, YOU'RE ON THE MOON. Look at that tower you came from! Forget that, you're on the moon now! The rules are different here!

I was so addled by this weirdness, it took me a while to figure out how to beat the boss despite the solution being pretty simple. (Groundpound on the pegs when Raphael walks over them.)

Another memorable fight was Prince Froggy. He gets made big...

Then he just eats you. Before you have a chance to move.

WELCOME TO FROGBELLY. HOPE YOU SURVIVE.

So Shy Guys, the hooded little enemy people, leak through his abdomen, you eat them, make eggs and fire them at his lungs until he dies of heart failure.

I was nine years old and I'd never seen a game so fun. It had everything. Collectables like red coins, flowers and stars which increased your counter in the top right hand corner. Extra levels you unlock once you've got all the unlockables

I'm 21 now and this has been released.

I wouldn't recommend this to my worst enemy. The art is awful, the enemies are either the same or worse, the bosses (SIX unoriginal and awful bosses down from FOURTEEN because the rest are just Kamek fights that make no sense.) are uninspired. The control scheme is wank, the responsiveness is piss-poor and it's just awful.

Nintendo have just lost the handle repeatedly on making a unique and compelling game. It's as interesting as pocket lint, as refreshing as drinking hot tar and as funny as someone with thalidomide poisoning. 

Potentially the developers at Nintendo all have thalidomide poisoning. That would explain why they keep losing the handle of things.

And this:

MR PIPE. WHO AT NINTENDO DEVELOPED MR PIPE?

This awful bastard gives you power ups if you die too much in a level. So if you're repeating a level trying to collect shit and having a grand old time dying because you need to get all the red coins and sunflower, then he's here to urinate on your cornflakes by puffing out Flutterwings that give you infinite hover so you can fly through the entire level or Golden Flutterwings which stop you from dying.

Well fuck you, Nintendo. Are nine year olds these days too bowl headed to play an actual game and instead need to just ride this game like a bloody roller coaster at an amusement park? I'm sorry, I thought having a challenge was fun?

And then the final boss battle was just a rehashed fight of the GBA version that was watered down to the extreme with all the excitement drained out of it.

And then the ending happens and it's exactly the same as the last version.

And then Bowser pops out of nowhere "from time and space" and you fight him in a stage which is just like the one in Super Marios Bros with the shitty switch and everything.

And then Kamek uses magic powder and you fight him again, in an exact copy of the first fight.

Then the credits roll and you find out that Mr Pipe is actually Mario who has gone back in time to give out power ups and be a shithead who's ruining national IQ's, stopping kids from thinking for themselves or learning independence and generally being a dickhole.

As for the extra levels that used to be in the original? Forget them being unlocked after you've got collectibles, you just open them when you've repeated enough levels.

BECAUSE EVERYONE IS A WINNER AND YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL AS IF YOU HAVE TO WORK TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING.

MODERN VIDEO GAMES.

So in conclusion, shit game.

But it's not really for me, is it? I'm not the target demographic.

Still,  I strongly feel that kids deserve a better Yoshi's Island than this one.