Video Game Review: GTA Online

Yesterday, seventy four people tuned into to read my thoughts about Pokemon Y and shoved my readership numbers into roughly, approximately, about three hundred and twenty-five exactly, precisely, right at the time of writing this.

Potentially you only clicked on this because you had nothing else to do and wondered why a grown man would play a children's game, read a few words and then clicked off of the article completely bored.

That's okay. I'm just glad I got to be a part of your evening. Whether you're on a laptop, a personal computer or even wi-fi adapted tablet, I hope you're having a wonderful night.

And according to my statsheets, several of you are reading this from iPhones. That takes dedication, fans.

Tonight I'm going to be talking about Grand Theft Auto 5: Online. That was until I read about the horrible effects that videogames are having on teenagers, bending and breaking their vulnerable mind like half-frozen playdough.

So I wanted to make this a special report about how videogames do not cause teenagers, or young adults such as myself, to go on violent killing sprees.


Coming at you loud and live from Abattoir Avenue, this is me and my ride for tonight. She's a beaut. See those wheels? Yeah. Custom rims. Check it.

Let's hit the road.

That wonderful 1920 x 1080 High-Definition road.

Anyway, let's go to the Grand Senora Desert so I can convince you just how little impact videogame violence has on impressionable people like myself.

See that man I ran over? I mean, LOOK AT THOSE GRAPHICS. You would see blood effects like those on REAL cars. So why would I need to go around running people over when the graphical improvements of GTA Online showcase the real-life effects of running people over?

See what I'm getting at?

I don't need to kill anyone because the killing is so detailed. The only real thing missing is remorse, so I just poked myself in the eyes several times in order to illicit human tears.

It's hard to get this through to you properly though. If only you could see the way the car responds to environmental damage like walls, other cars, post boxes or-

So the cyclist tried to get up so I shot him in the face repeatedly. 

BUT LOOK AT MY BROKEN HEADLIGHT. LOOK AT IT.

Why would I ever need to knock a cyclist twenty meters off his bike when I can just turn on my PS3 and see it happening for myself with realistic damage to the cyclist. He even sat up and cried whilst I pointed my gun (with flashlight, obv.) at him and mentioned something about having a family. Didn't really listen though. LOL!

Anyway, I left the desert and headed for the motorway, but a man screaming in a foreign language and driving a car in the colours of the Brazilian national flag rammed me into the wall. I got out to pop the fool and then a helicopter came out of nowhere and shot a missile at me. It flew straight over my head but hit an oncoming freighter carrying a large tanker of oil. It immediately blew up and shot towards me as I sprinted away, pistol still in hand. I wasn't fast enough, of course, and got smeared across the pavement in seconds.

I didn't manage to record it because GTA has no way to record, but here's a real-time picture for you.

My character respawned nearby and began to look really sad. Like it was upset or something. I didn't feel anything though. Bit odd.

I wonder what it was thinking?

I'll get it a new car and maybe we'll do another chapter of this tomorrow.